Even now I'm joking but what I want to write about is no joking matter its one of those "things" that actually brought me to tears. We have had so many sad tragedies in our time, personally, locally, globally, its no secret this world is severely messed up. The news on TV I know is background noise for many, but not in our house. I read what I have to online to keep up with the important stuff and that's it. I never watch it with my children or family. Its actually one of those things I don't understand, people won't let kids watch PG-13 movies, or play violent video games, but their 8 year old can sit right next to them as the man on channel 5 tells about how a group of men broke into a house and went on a brutal killing spree for no apparent reason at all, or how a college that their 8 year old dreams about going to is locked down because there has been 4 consecutive rape cases in the last two weeks. Just saying... news is not ever anything positive or anything I want the focus of my evening chatter to be while my kids are awake. And if media is not focusing on all the scary things going on, then its pure junk gossip. How many illegitimate kids did another politician father, or how a "scientifically socially educated psychologist" released "scientific information" about how black women are less attractive... really do I need to prove my news case anymore. And I've never been one to post these stories on face book, really talk about vote for the worst spirit lifter ever - posting sad stories, what does that say about you? If you can go back on your wall and find more than five disturbing news stories, you need a new hobby. But this story, this story struck different. This story hit many. This story cannot be called sad, cannot be called evil, for some unspeakable reason it took a form that reached down inside of many of us far deeper than sad or evil. A story that I feel I will remember unfortunately for a very long time. His name. His little beautiful face, but most of all his shoes.
Last week I took the boys shoe shopping, they are growing like little weeds which is wonderful. You know for little preemies that were three and a half and four pounds three ounces who had some rough times, you'd never know looking at these honking feet. These little toes that are so adorable yet somehow find a way to bust holes right through socks. When I bought them new shoes, we took a picture of my 11 year olds feet (peanut) next to our 4 year olds and ummmmm they are not far off!! She has on fly Nike Shox, yeah well they had Shox too but they have outgrown two pairs of sneakers since then so in this economy we were looking for value over "name". So we went shoe shopping. It was so cute listening to their little opinions "I don't like those brown ones", "those look too big" And then it was like they saw Gold!!! THE LIGHTNING MCQUEEN SNEAKERS!!! It was all Broderick could talk about. I did everything in my power to talk him out of them, I had to talk and walk quickly because they were taking him over (I'm not really a fan of character shoes) and I can still hear his little voice "But Lightning McQueen's a big boy, and I'm a big boy, so I should get those shoes." When I got out of the store I called my husband and told him all about our shoe shopping experience and how I felt like a bad Mommy for not letting him get the McQueen shoes. We laughed and joked, and said he'll forget all about them, they're just shoes. But now I never will.
Many know I had my daughter young. I was clueless, naive, very selfish, and oh did I mention clueless. But as SOON as I had her it was like second nature. I belonged to her, she belonged to me. No one needed to tell me, show me, explain it, its just such a natural, pure love. She needed me and I didn't even know it but I needed her. She came out, I held her, nursed her, cuddled her, and voila an angel was born. I thought woman must just have this instinct put in them, when a baby is born a mommy is born. No one needs to tell you you would give your life for this child, no one needs to tell you they are sacred, innocent, and come first. Its just an unconditional love that just overwhelms you. Unfortunately the sad truth is its not something ALL women are born with as - so to hear this story - KILLED ME TO THE CORE.
If you do not know what story I am talking about yet then you probably are not from the new England area because its circulating rapidly. Briefly, on Tuesday in Maine they found a dead body of a 4 - 6 year old boy. A beautiful little boy blonde hair, blue eyed boy. He was wearing a gray camouflage hooded sweatshirt with the brand name “Faded Glory,’’ tan pants, and “Lightning McQueen’’ black sneakers. Lightning McQueen sneakers, those words hit me like a ton of bricks and I just felt sick to my stomach. Its not that I selfishly thought about my own children instinctively alone, but that this poor baby was discarded dead on the road like that, that no one was claiming him, missing him, looking for him, caring about him. The shoes brought me back to how INNOCENT a child is, I could hear Broderick's little voice: "But Lightning McQueen's a big boy, and I'm a big boy, so I should get those shoes." How could anyone HURT a child so innocent, how could anyone discard a child like they are rubbish. It made my stomach turn and it made me cry. My heart broke for that poor boy, life can be so unfair. We all think it I would have taken that CHILD!! To hurt a child is so inconceivable, and later we find out to be hurt by his own mother is nothing short of PURE EVIL. My only hope is that he is resting now and peaceful.
Every lightning McQueen toy I see in our house I think of him, my husband even does too because remember I called and told him all about the shoes story so he knew about it as well. Every quiet moment when I'm watching them grow and learn and explore, I think of him, so innocent so pure, its just so heart wrenching. Some things we cannot change, some things we cannot control, evil people are powerful when they creep into our lives and thoughts too much so I will not even give this waste of breath a single sentence more, I will only say that my heart and thoughts are with little Camden, may he rest in peace.
And as I walked my children up the stairs to preschool on Tuesday I took the time to realize all the changes and growth they have made. In September the teachers where peeling Broderick off kicking and screaming because he wanted to be home with Mommy, and there he was my little men walking up the stairs finding their own hooks, taking off their jackets hanging them up, taking out their lunch boxes and putting their back packs away all by themselves. It was all I could do to get hugs and kisses out of them, they were off to play! They have grown so much since September. And tonight at home they cut out their projects for their sea calendar Broderick's lines straighter than Bryce's but he'll get there, and again there was the lightning McQueen Toy reminding me. Its ok though I am not thinking of the evil, may he rest in peace, justice be served, and may I focus on my job as a Mommy keeping them HAPPY AND SAFE. HAPPY AND SAFE. Its a balance, especially as they get older, my daughter is 11 and everything that keeps her safe doesn't always make her happy, but she understands (kinda). For Mothers Day she wrote me a BOOK of poems, so pure and sweet and this one was one of my favorites...
May every Mommy, Daddy, Aunt, Uncle, Grandma, Grandpa, God Parent, Sibling, and every person that Loves and Appreciates children remember that's our only job happy and safe. And though this world is sick and twisted sometimes. We must focus on the love we are blessed with to be received and to be shared.
RIP CAMDEN... ALWAYS IN OUR THOUGHTS
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